At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel great
I just peed on a car
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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