I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
