you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
