My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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