I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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