Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
