As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize