If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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