now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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