Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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