Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
