ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean