Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?