I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.