chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
