I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
