I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
