Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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