Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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