My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
