this beer tastes like vomit already
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
