So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i barfeds in our rink
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
