I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You may now shotgun with the bride
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
