Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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