I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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