im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
