The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
