see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
