can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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