I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
