I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
