That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
