As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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