Pappa wants mamma naked
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Boobs are out for the taking
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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