Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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