Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
