I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
