i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
