A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
