i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
