1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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