Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
