I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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