i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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