____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
