That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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