Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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