I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
