When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
