dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
