Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How does one acquire holy water?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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