My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
