Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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