paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
