she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
