I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
