Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
