Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
