I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
