ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
