I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
